Are goodbyes forever?
As I try hard to recollect the goodbyes I bid this year, I realize, quite alarmingly, that I have never been able to truly bid goodbye to anyone or anything. Memories, good and bad, linger. They rise from the dead and throttle me at the least expected moments. I hold on to my people and possessions quite dearly, like a child clinging on to her stuffed toy. Material things are also of value to me. They are fleeting reminders of a life well lived, of an emotion once felt, of attachments that once gripped the heart. Even a glass used for drinking water has significance in my life. I arrange three glasses on the kitchen counter, a tiny one, a medium sized and a large one in a way that the tiny glass is always in between the other two, a pattern that symbolizes my family and the protection I provide to my child. It is impossible to break these patterns in the mind. Nor have I attempted to.
Goodbyes leave behind residues of pain and longing. Even if the goodbye had been one of good riddance to bad rubbish. Detachment from something is a change. And change is often harrowing. The mind works harder to cope with these changes, with feelings of void left behind by the good, the bad and the ugly. I may not remember what I ate last Wednesday, but the scene of a traumatic moment from childhood still flashes past my eyes, every now and then, albeit bidding adieu to the event and the people who had been part of it. Shadows of the past emerge from darkness and daylight, ages after they have been buried in the sands of memory.
Habits too die hard. Rituals and practices built over the years seldom leave us. We may undertake gargantuan efforts to get rid of beastly habits. But, they prove to be monsters lurking behind the door you have closed on them, waiting to sneak in at the slightest opportunity, at the mildest provocation. Old habits are replaced with new ones, in the belief that, once the vacuum is filled with something fresh, everything falls in order and the past is put to rest. This is true of people and relationships, as well. We are constantly seeking replacements to fill the empty spaces in our hearts, the numerous craters formed by the strings of goodbyes we have bid, consciously and sub consciously. Life proves to be a never ending train of replacements, of new entrants constantly clearing the debris left behind by the old. Goodbyes linger. They rinse and repeat this vicious cycle.
This story is inspired by the 100 day storytelling initiative by Your Story Bag. This is my story for day 3/100 of #2023TheStoriedWay
