I wish I could stop thinking; put a full stop to this ocean surging in the mind. Thoughts are a burden. They cling on to my cerebrum, with all their might. I have never felt light headed in my life. I am always carrying this weight around. These thoughts never cease to exist. They crave for my attention all the time, even when I am in deep slumber. They compete with each other, rather fiercely. Even when a thought is nascent and in its formative moments, another is born, and is vying for attention. I am torn apart in this battle of thoughts. I wish I could ask them to leave me alone, at least for a fraction of a second.
I am a person of few words; not because I have nothing to say to the world. All the energy I possess is spent sparring with my thoughts, that there is hardly any avenue for speech. In fact, these thought bubbles combat with each other to decide which one of them is capable of moving on to the speech territory. I watch with wide eyed wonder, as this transpires. I envy people who have a fairly simple thought process. When they listen to someone or something, a simple linear equation forms in their heads, say x = y. In my case, the equation takes a multi quadratic form. My convoluted mind thinks, when someone tells me x, if they indeed meant x, or is there a hint of y hidden between the lines, or if x is an implicit indicator of z and if I should also anticipate r coming my way soon.
I am equally awestruck by people who don’t have to think before they talk or act. Words just flow out of their mouths as if turned on by an automatic switch. The world appreciates them for their spontaneity and confidence. They are also the kind that don’t do much of a retrospective on the spoken words or committed deeds. Because they are simply not under the “thought spell”. They have a command over their life, unlike me. Thoughts walk in unexpectedly in to my senses, when I am engaged in a conversation or worse, when I am delivering a talk in front of an audience. They interrupt my flow and try to offer unsolicited advice right when I am in the thick of action. I have cut a sorry figure many a times, due to these disruptions. People attribute it to stage fear or lack of preparedness. How do I tell them, that I have little monsters lurking in my head, ready to play havoc?
Doing nothing is a sought after luxury these days. Having the time and convenience to sit idle is considered a boon. But, not in my case. An idle mind is a devil’s workshop. I have experienced it first hand. I keep myself engaged in some task or chore, to avoid the thought devils from creeping in. Many good willed folks have advocated meditation as a technique to ease “thought fatigue”. Though I am familiar with the practice and merits of this ancient technique, I have never taken a liking towards it. Instead, I prefer to write. I believe, writing is the only way to calm the trepidations in the mind; to set free the thoughts trapped within; to give them form, shape and soul. I can feel the suffocation ease down when I write. In fact, it is the only time when my thoughts respectfully stand aside and watch me. They suddenly morph in to well trained cadets, awaiting the captain’s command. They don’t exhibit any form of desperation, aggression or survival instincts, that are so characteristic of them, under normal circumstances. So, writing is my form of meditation. I indulge in it every morning to calm myself, to stay sane and to relieve myself of thought diarrhea.
People call me a “thought leader”. It does sound soothing. They say, I have great clarity of thought and sense of direction. Little do they know of the cauldron simmering in my head. They are oblivious of the vapors from this boiling potion constantly clouding my mind. I do not want to run away from my thoughts completely. I do not want to shut them down forever. I only want to structure and streamline them. I dream of a day when I will have mastery over my thoughts and not let the delirium consume me. I want silence and peace inside me, as much as I seek them outside. I just want my thoughts to regard me with care and consideration, as much as I love and adore them.
Cheers, to a lifetime of thinking…
